More Than A Memory
by MoonlightGardenias
Summary: An alternate ending to the ferry disaster. What if Meredith didn't live? Could Derek carry on after her? Title borrowed from the song. One shot.


**Author's Note: So this wrote itself. I'm not lying, either...it started out as an idea because of the amazingly beautiful song that has been stuck in my head for the past week. Basically, an alternate ending to the whole ferry boat accident. I DON'T want Mer to die, I'm a hardcore MerDer fan. You know, I just thought I'd make that clear. But if she did, I'd like to think that something like this would happen...**

**Dislaimer: No, I don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did, it would not be "so over."...Kay? And...I also don't own the lyrics to the song, "More Than A Memory" (sung by Garth Brooks)...Basically, the only credit I get it is for writing this little oneshot. I'm not affiliated with Grey's or Garth himself. But see...I can wish, right?**

**Review, please-thanks in advance!**

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_People say she's only in my head  
It's gonna take time but I'll forget..._

Derek sat on the front steps of the trailer, staring blankly into the darkness. He wasn't sure how long he'd been out there, just sitting. Minutes. Hours. They seemed to bleed together in a fashion that made sense only to him.

The ferry accident had been about three weeks before, and it was all he'd been able to think about. Meredith. _His_ Meredith-cold and lifeless. Derek wanted so badly to believe that it was a dream, that he'd wake up in a panic, only to find her snoring, sound asleep right next to him. He laughing, cursing inwardly. Of all the things Derek missed most about Meredith, her snoring was actually one of them. Because even when work at the hospital was hectic and stressful, Meredith snoring beside him meant that she was there with him.

But she wasn't, and that fact had settled hard on him. Neurosurgeon. Two million a year. Possible nominee for Chief of Surgery. Derek knew so many things about himself, and he always wanted to believe that saving Meredith was one of them. But it wasn't. He couldn't save her, and it was that fact that always seemed to bring tears to his eyes.

He'd barely been to work, and somehow everyone seemed to understand. It seemed so much quieter, so much more lifeless. There were surgeries that he'd been able to perform, though Richard had advised him to stay away as long as he could, that he needed a break.

The funeral was probably the hardest to handle. Everyone-Richard, Adele, Burke, Izzie, Alex, George, Mark...Cristina. Cristina was emotionless throughout the service, up until everyone walked up to place a rose on top of the casket. She broke. Derek remembered how her eyes misted up, her lip quivering until the bubble finally burst. She'd actually gone to the hospital to get checked out, as per Burke's request.

Going to the trailer seemed like both a solace and a curse. He couldn't go to the hospital. He couldn't go to her house. He couldn't go to Joe's-Joe had been at the service, too. Still, as Derek sat on the steps he thought that it was the place that reminded him of Meredith most.

_Dialin' six numbers just to hang up the phone  
Drivin' 'cross town just to see if she's home_

He bit his lip, knowing full well that he'd never see her again. Everyday, he was still in the habit of checking his phone, just to see if she'd left him a message. Derek knew it was a lost cause, as did everyone who saw what he was doing. Still, he'd try and call her cell, caught up in wanting to tell her something so much, only to remember that she was gone.

Izzie had invited him over, several times in fact. She thought it'd be best if they'd all band together for the better of the whole group, and while Derek appreciated it, he just couldn't bring himself to do it.

Though he'd driven over..once. It was raining, lightning splitting the sky. He had off that day, but everyone that had lived there didn't. Rather than climbing out to go inside, Derek sat staring at the house, thinking of how he'd never see Meredith bounding down the stairs anymore. His memories floated to a time when they'd danced, Meredith tipsy, on the front lawn. Of course that was before everything. Before Addison came, before they split. Before the exam room. Before she drowned.

Derek fought to swallow the lump that nowdays seemed permanent in his throat. Memories. Of all the time they'd spent together, all he had now were memories, and very few pictures. There were a few, of which were currently stacked inside a cardboard box next to him, along with tons of other items that reminded him of her, of Meredith.

He downed the last of his beer before daring to crack the lid of the box. Lavender conditioner. A half-empty box of Muesli. A copy of _The Sun Also Rises_. A CD from The Clash, one which held many memories for him. One of Doc's dog tags. A Dartmouth T-shirt. His hands roamed shakily across the contents of the box, frantically searching for something. Anything. An inkling of proof that-somehow-Meredith was still there with him.

_Wakin' a friend in the dead of night  
Just to hear him say "It's gonna be alright."_

Headlights shined brightly, and Derek tried his best to shield his eyes. Frowning, Derek thought of who it could possibly be, knowing full well that people now tried to avoid him as much as possible. Addison tried her best to be friendly, and Mark was actually there frequently, trying his best to patch of the friendship that Derek knew he wanted to repair so badly.

Footsteps in front of him caused Derek to look up, only to meet a set of familiar eyes. "Why are you here?"He managed to mutter in a hoarse whisper.

Mark sighed, turning to sit down next to Derek on the steps. "Because like it or not, I care."

Derek nodded, staring down at the darkened ground.

"You know the hospital doesn't seem right without you."Mark said, trying to strike up a conversation. In truth, he was worried about him. Derek was devastated, that he knew. That he thought he could handle-not like, but handle. It was the silence, and the cold distant stare that killed him.

"Yeah."Derek said in return. He set his bottle down behind him before rubbing his face with his hands.

"Derek...you can't do this to yourself."Mark said, resting his hands on his knees.

Derek nodded, trying desperately to draw in breath. He pressed his fist to his lips, knowing how hard Mark was trying to be there for him. It was true, that so many bad things had happened between them in the past, but as they sat there silently it went unsaid that all things were forgiven. 'After all', Derek thought, 'now that Mer is gone...he's one of the few friends I've got.'

Mark stared out into the night, knowing what Derek had to have been going through. He missed seeing her around, too, and it still didn't seem real. Still, he'd slowly tried to come to terms with the fact that he'd never see his fellow 'dirty mistress' ever again. "So you should probably go inside, get cleaned up."He sat, patting Derek's back, knowing somehow that he'd get through it. He always did. "Meredith wouldn't-"

"Don't say it."Derek said, his voice suddenly growing angry. "Don't tell me what Mer would want for me, don't you think I know?"

"Well, of course, but.."Mark trailed off, for the first time truly at a loss of words. He looked over at Derek, seeing how lost he looked. "She wouldn't want you to suffer."

"I know."Derek said, staring up at the sky before looking back at him. "God, do I know."

A silence passed between them, both silently agreeing that they'd find a way to get out of the suffering, out of wasting time away. "So...you'll go inside?"

"Yeah, I will."Derek whispered, nodding in reply. "Just...a minute."

Mark stared at Derek, trying to figure out if he was telling the truth. "Are you going in tomorrow?"He asked.

"I'll be there."He said, wishing he himself could believe it. "Go, I'll be okay."

Looking back into his eyes, Mark knew that this time Derek was being honest about it, which if nothing more than making him feel better-it meant something. "You'll be okay."

"Bye, Mark."Derek replied, watching as he stood up to walk towards his car. "Hey..."He called, darting his tongue out to moisten his lips. Nodding, Derek took a deep, healing breath. "Thanks."

Mark nodded, shrugging. He stopped just short of his car door, turning again to face him. "So I'll see you tomorrow."

Derek stayed on the steps for a few more minutes before taking the box, along with the empty bottle, back inside. He started unpacking a few things, just enough for it to look like maybe someone actually lived there. Though he unpacked certain things-items like the conditioner and the Dartmouth T-shirt that Meredith wore the last time she was there, remained inside of the box.

_When you're findin' things to do not to fall asleep  
'Cause you know she's waiting in your dreams_

He took a bowl from the cabinet, unsure of the reason until he realized he'd made himself a bowl of Muesli. There was probably only enough for one more bowl left, but as Derek poured milk, he pretended he didn't notice. Suddenly needing air, Derek made his way out to a chair on the front porch, deciding he'd at least try and get some sleep, if for nothing more than keeping his promise to Mark.

Taking his last bite, Derek realized in that moment that the clouds were barely there, a thin blanket covering the sky. There were a few patches here and there that revealed a starlit sky. Despite that fact, a light mist began to fall. He set his bowl down, momentarily closing his eyes, letting the rain surround him. It felt comforting somehow, knowing that there was something else there rather than just him alone.

She was Meredith. His Meredith. Meredith Grey, surgical intern. Cristina's person. _Mer. _She had so many titles, so many names from various people that knew her, and he knew very well that everyone felt they missed her most. He knew that he was probably the one who did, but as he felt the mist falling softly against his skin, Derek knew he'd never really be alone.

Because she was there. He laughed, and was sure that if anyone saw him, they'd probably think he was insane. She wasn't literally there, of course. But Derek knew some of the most crucial facts about her, important things like birthdays, anniversaries, colors and foods. It wasn't just that, though. He remembered. Memories. Laughing, crying, hyperventilating. Loving.

Derek loved her, and knew a part of him always would. But maybe Mark was right-he knew he was. Meredith wouldn't have wanted him to suffer, wouldn't have wanted him to wallow too long.

_People say she's only in my head  
It's gonna take time but I'll forget..._

Derek would never forget Meredith, that much he knew. Days that rained, Thursday mornings-anytime he'd see a ferry boat. The one thing Derek would forget was the pain. Someday, somehow...Derek stood, walking towards the door. He turned around, hearing the distant sound of thunder and couldn't help but feel comforted somehow. He'd be okay, because he still had the memories, but he felt he had more than that. She would always be a part of him, something that changed him and made him do what he did, the way he did.

"Goodnight, Mer."Derek whispered softly, finding a solace in knowing that though she wasn't there, and though she couldn't hear him, Meredith was okay, and that someday he'd be, too


End file.
